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The Other Side of Bipolar
A Podcast for the Partners, Caregivers, and Loved Ones Who Stay
Imagine a spinning top.
When it's moving fast enough, it looks almost still. Almost stable. You'd be forgiven for thinking it had finally found its balance. But it hasn't — it's just moving too fast for you to see the wobble. And the moment it starts to slow down, you see what's always been true: it's never really been standing still at all.
That's what it feels like to love someone with Bipolar I.
You learn the warning signs. You adjust your routines. You hide sharp edges and sharp words. You celebrate the good weeks and brace for the bad ones. You get better and better at reading the room — at knowing when the energy in their voice is joy versus the beginning of something else. You build systems, you make plans, you research medications and therapists and crisis hotlines. You do everything right.
And still, the top wobbles.
That's not a failure of love. That's not a failure of effort. That's the nature of a serious mood disorder that doesn't pause for holidays, anniversaries, or the moment you finally thought you had it figured out. Bipolar I doesn't negotiate. It doesn't reward consistency with predictability. It keeps spinning on its own terms.
The Other Side of Bipolar is a podcast built for the people on the outside of that spin — the partners, spouses, family members, and caregivers who are holding their breath, holding the household, and holding on. The people whose story rarely gets told because the diagnosis belongs to someone else, but the weight is shared by everyone in the room.
This isn't a show about how to fix bipolar disorder. It's a show about what it's actually like to live alongside it. The grief that doesn't have a name. The love that doesn't have a roadmap. The resilience that nobody congratulates you for. And the quiet, persistent courage it takes to show up again tomorrow — even when nothing is resolved, nothing is certain, and the top is still spinning.
If that's your life, you're not alone. Pull up a chair.
New episodes available wherever you listen to podcasts.
0:01 The spinning top, I'd like to talk about that today because it's so incredibly accurate in its description of being with somebody who happens to be bipolar here. Let me tell you, going from this, it's bad. Basically, when it's good, it's great. The relationship, when it's not good, it's incredibly horrible. I think comedian Taylor Tomlinson put it best when she says she's the perfect girlfriend as long as nothing ever goes wrong. Where a mentally more stable person will say, OK, this sucks, it's a set back, I'll reassess and come back at a later date, but it might be all I can get given the circumstances. A bipolar significant other says this is the thing that breaks my world and it's all your fault because of something I remember you did wrong three months ago unrelated to this event. So let's fixate on that.
1:05 And also today's thing and everything that has happened since in every facet of life, proving my hypothesis that this world is shattering. That's from somebody talking that has in the middle of an episode and it's that. But every day most people have a bad day and experience and pour a drink and say well that sucks. Bipolar people are different. If you want a physical metaphor, try having a stable, healthy relationship with a spinning top. Even if you can pinpoint a focus point to love, it's gone before you know it, and when it falls over, it has no way to stand itself up again, much less keep spinning.
1:51 And when it's not in constant motion, it hates everything, no matter that it's spinning in circles. Motion is better than no motion in mind. Seriously, go buy a spinning top and spend an hour trying to keep it standing upright. And also assume when it falls over or wobbles that it'll scream at you. That's what it's like. Baby. Sit for an hour and tell me that you're not exhausted, people. After 10 years of being with my bipolar wife, I could not have nailed it better. It's incredibly good when it's incredibly good, and it's off the scales when it's incredibly bad. And when you're in the middle of it, you don't really know that it's that bad.
2:41 You do in the moment. I can remember over the years being driven to my knees in so much emotional pain and Herb sitting there not really understanding why they don't understand their actions a lot of times. And mine unfortunately would never, was never accountable. There was never, never self aware, extremely selfish. Some of them are, some of them aren't. That's the problem. You can't nail this illness down. What you can only do if you're listening to me. Listen well. Understand that that doesn't get better. I'm sorry. The great person you keep waiting for. If they're getting older, as we all are, you're going to see less and less of those people unless they're heavily medicated.
3:31 If they're heavily medicated and relatively stable, you wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be talking if mine was that way. I'd be with her today. Happier than a pig and shit. Are you kidding? She was the most amazing, loving woman, Beautiful. Everything filled every box. But Oh my gosh, you never knew when it was going to happen. But I can tell you, life stressors do make it happen. Mine was incredibly good with life stressors on some of them. But I look back and it's all so commingled, at least from my perspective. I never can really remember when it was horrible and when it was bad, other than when I was driven to my knees and when I knew I had to get out because literally I was going down with the ship. You can't save them people if they're not willing to save themselves.
4:19 I'm sorry to say this and I love you all, but you're an idiot if you stay. It's just that simple. You have to get out. I don't care what it takes, but they will take you out with them. And believe me, 10 years, I know what it's like. I wish I could say it was different. I wish I could say that, OK, maybe they've had some episodes, but they got on the right medications and everything's been great. If you read stories for any length of time, you'll know that's no indicator of future activities. It's just not because the minute they feel a little off, if they the first thing they do when they start feeling off, they quit the drugs, then they go into mania and then they blow up everything and then they feel bad about it later. Mine didn't seem to ever feel bad about it. She was an anxious avoidant, I think, because she would never acknowledge anything.
5:11 She might buy me a little present afterwards or something, which I now know was kind of her way of saying forgiveness. But that's not enough for a relationship to hang in there. You follow me. You got to have somebody that really says they're sorry, corrects their actions and works to get better. And I don't want to say this, but I got to tell the truth. There's plenty of stories where people did that. They apologized, they changed their ways, Everything was great for a year or two. The cob boom, here it comes again, manic episode. Something happens, they get in a car wreck, they get cut off their whatever, gets sick. They get sick, you get sick, it doesn't matter. I had one episode just about the ticking time bomb, but I wanted you to read that or listen to about the spinning top because it's so accurate.
6:00 You can't get your hands on it. You can't decide this is good and this is bad. Yes, some people, men and women, have learned they do the grey rock, which basically when they're in an episode and screaming and yelling, you just are non committal, non emotional. You just sit like a rock or you leave the house. Well, that's not always available and not everybody can sit there and be called ignorant and stupid and a dumb ass and a horrible person. And you know, Oh my God, you're the worst thing that ever happened to me. And then later it's lovey dovey. No big deal. Now, mine was quite frankly never affectionate, not after the love bombing. She never really did love bombing after that. She had a mini stroke and that definitely affected her, her abilities.
6:50 But you know, you got to, you got to be aware of the fact that they've had this all their life. They're going to have what's called mini comorbidities. Comorbidities are other physical problems. Mine had a heart arrhythmia, then she had a mini stroke, then she had menopause and then she got high cholesterol. Then she got diabetes 2. Then she had the mini stroke, whether I I don't remember if I mentioned it or not. And she's had thyroid problems for many years. Some of this stuff is caused by the medicine they're on, but also too some of it's because if they go into these episodes, they just get worse. You have to realize that people out there please listen to me on this. You, you cannot out love them to get better. It does not work that way.
7:43 Just trust me, believe me, in all I've done and seen, you can't out love this. You can't love them more to get better because they will love you back. They will be affectionate. But if something happens, which it probably will, they're going to blow everything up. And when I say blow it up, I mean they're going to discard you, which may take a month or two, which mine did, and then get to the point where they're so evil and mean to you, you either leave or you give up. And that's what they're looking for because they want one thing and that's control. They want control over their environment because their head is so messed up. I'm sorry they had the control because it makes their life easier.
8:26 And that control will be over you people wake up. I love you, man. I wish I could say things are different, but that's why I had this podcast and why I'm getting a lot of people talking to me. Interesting that 72% of the people listening are men. The other percent, of course, are women. I thought that was interesting because us guys don't like to ask for help. So if you're listening, just listen to this. It's a spinning top. You cannot live love your way out of this, and you will go down with that ship if you allow them to. Some people make it 3040, fifty years. Some people don't. Be careful out there, everybody.