The 80/20 Reality of Bipolar Relationships: Stability, Chaos, and What Partners Actually Live

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The bipolar 20% hook, I'm going
to talk about that today because

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quite frankly, if you're
involved with somebody with

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bipolar, that's going to be you.
That certainly was me.

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I'm even saying maybe 10% hook
or 20% hook.

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What I mean by that is that 10
to 20% of the time, it's awful.

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It's just, it's just difficult.
You're walking on egg shells.

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You're trying to figure out what
they're doing while they're

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doing it, why they're doing it.
So that means 80 to 90% of the

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time, it's a normal
relationship.

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My goodness, why in the hell
can't that work?

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At least that's my thought
process.

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Once again, bipolar is a
spectrum.

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Everybody's different.
I'm speaking from my experience,

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but my experience was 10 to 20%
of the time it was pure chaos,

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but 80% of the time it was
relatively good.

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Obviously, there were great
times with my wife.

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So it's so confusing.
However, the negative part, the

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10 to 20%, that can be at least
for me, gut wrenching because

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you're dealing with somebody
that is literally does do not

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have brakes on their empathy or
their ability to deal with

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people.
And what I mean by that is that

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the person, OK, let's say you
and I are talking to each other,

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we're good friends and we start
going out with a girl and I

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think she terrible.
She's just awful.

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I don't think she's good for
you.

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I don't want to do all those
things.

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Well, I might say, you know,
buddy, you might want to

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consider this woman, whatever
and leave it at that.

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A bipolar person doesn't
sometimes not all, doesn't have

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the ability to filter things.
It's either or so they may look

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at a friend and say you're
stupid to dealing with that

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person because of this, this and
this and blah, blah, blah, blah,

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blah, and super negative.
Or they're super positive

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because they don't have brakes
on their emotional capabilities

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like you and I do.
Be aware of that.

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And so you know, dealing with
bipolar people, at least dealing

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with mine, that was the one of
the hardest things for me to do

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when I left.
And that's why I went literally

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crazy myself because she was
great a lot of the times.

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She was fun, she was exciting.
We had all kinds of fun trip to

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Vegas and to South America and
to China and it was awesome.

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But those I look back and that
horrendous fights that would

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happen, I mean like fights that
should be that big a deal turned

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into monumental horrible things
because they can't control their

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emotions.
That's what you need to realize.

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Yes, they do what's called
masking.

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If you don't know what masking
is, you need to look it up.

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I'll make a podcast about just
that.

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But masking generally is they
use a lot of brain power to

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overcome the racing thoughts and
the bad thoughts that they have

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in their mind.
They do that outside the home

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when they come back to the home,
they can't do that all the time.

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So they feel better to let down
their guard when they get home.

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So therefore, a lot of times of
partners in the house get

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hammered, but everybody else
doesn't ever see it ever.

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So when you try to talk to
somebody about it, and if you

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live this, you know what I'm
saying, try to talk to somebody,

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a friend about this, they'll
never understand it.

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They'll say no way in hell.
That person's the nicest person

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I've ever seen in my life.
They've never treated me bad.

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You're telling me that they're
screaming and yelling and

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kicking you out of the house and
throwing things at you and all

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of these things.
Obviously you must be a bad

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person.
It's not them.

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It's a it's just so difficult
and just realized that 10 or

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20%, I mean, mine threw me out
in the middle of the highway in

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the middle of nowhere twice, OK,
because of what they thought

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happened, which didn't.
That's a reality.

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I mean, those kind of things
create what's called a trauma

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bond.
If you don't know what that is

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or you've not studied it, you'd
better you right now need to go

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and find out what a trauma bond
really is.

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Don't just think, Oh well, it's
I'm bonded.

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No, it's extremely difficult.
Many people have likened A

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trauma bond to being hooked on
heroin.

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All right, that's serious.
If you're hooked on heroin, I

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guess I've never been hooked on
it, but you have to it.

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It's extremely difficult to get
away from because when you've

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been immense chaos and then
they're really nice and then

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chaos even randomly, let's say
over six month period, you've

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had a month of absolute chaos,
but five months of good.

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That one month of chaos a lot of
times won't override the five

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months of good, but with a
trauma bond, you're still

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waiting for the good person to
show up.

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But it's absolutely tearing you
apart if you're living it.

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You know what I'm talking about
because I lived it.

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It's the worst feeling in the
history of the world for me.

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And dealing, dealing with a
bipolar person.

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I loved her more than I've ever
loved anybody in my life.

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And I do believe it's because of
the trauma bond, the push pull,

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the push pull that never seems
to go away.

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And as they get older, yes, it
gets worse.

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If they're unmedicated or under
medicated, the older they get

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the worse it gets.
Period.

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That's not open for discussion.
Don't think for a minute that

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yours is going to get better.
If they're not going to a

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psychiatrist every month, going
to a therapist every month.

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You're involved with those and
you have a power of attorney to

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make them take their medicine if
they stop because once again, if

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you haven't heard this before,
in literally two or three days

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of not taking their medicine,
they can slip into mania.

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Once it slips into a mania,
they're not going to listen to

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you.
They're not going to do what you

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tell them.
They're going to do whatever

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they want and probably blow up
their life or at least create

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living hell for you on earth.
Be well aware, the 80% I still

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look back on my relationship,
the absolute fun, crazy fun

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times we had together over 10
years.

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It was awesome and it was the
most chaotic, spine tingling

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chaos I've ever lived.
I mean come on when they're

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screaming at yelling at you.
I've said this before in my

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wheelchair, remember I got
paralysed 2 years ago in my

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wheelchair.
I'm living in in the living room

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and she's screaming at yelling
at me to get out of the house.

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Leave, leave, leave, leave.
You think I'd attacked her or

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something?
I can't move.

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Anyway, bottom line is I was, I
was just incredibly difficult to

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live there with her like this.
But the trauma bond keeps you

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there and then you will find
yourself.

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If you're living this right now,
do yourself a favor.

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Look over the last two or three
years, what is your personality

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or how's your personality
changed over the last two or

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three years?
Are you still happy with your

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friends?
Are you still going out with

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your friends having a good time?
Or are you basically trying to

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monitor and manage their
illness?

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Has your life been taken over by
this?

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If it has, go talk to a
therapist that knows about

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bipolar.
If a therapist doesn't know

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about bipolar, do not deal with
them because bipolar is such a

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huge deal.
Believe me, if you sit down in

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front of a psychiatrist or a
therapist that's not familiar

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with us, the person with bipolar
will merely mask and they'll be

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perfect.
I can't tell you how many

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stories I read where the couple
was fighting horrendously.

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The bipolar person threatens the
other person or does something

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crazy against them.
They call the police.

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The police show up and the
bipolar person's perfect.

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They're absolutely calm,
regulated, normal and the cops

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can't do anything.
That's bipolar.

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Be very careful of these things.
That 10 to 20% for me at least

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and what I've read over the last
10 months since I'm leaving.

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It happens.
It can be so catastrophic and

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destroys yourself esteem,
destroys yourself confidence

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because they're going to
gaslight you and controlled you

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because for them to admit that
they've got a problem destroys

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them completely.
So everything's going to be,

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guess what, your fault.
Everything that's gone wrong is

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going to be your fault.
They won't apologize.

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They won't be accountable.
If yours does, that's a huge

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plus.
That means they're somewhat self

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aware, but be aware of all of
this stuff.

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That 10 to 20% can literally
destroy you.

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God bless everybody.
Thank you.

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Bye.