Bipolar Relationships: Letting Go of the 'I Could Have Fixed It' Guilt"

Bipolar Relationships: Letting Go of the “I Could Have Fixed It” Guilt

I want to talk today about something I wish I’d known earlier. I used to think that if I’d understood bipolar disorder sooner, I could have changed my relationship before it got so bad. But I couldn’t have. Let me explain.

As you know, I was married for 10 years to someone with bipolar I disorder. At the time, I didn’t understand what manic depression or bipolar disorder was. It was only after I left the relationship that I began studying it.

I learned how important a stable life can be: no gambling, smoking, or drinking, and fewer things like cruise trips. Looking back, I beat myself up. I thought, “My God, if I’d known this earlier, I could have put a stop to the gambling, smoking, drinking, and cruises.” I enjoyed those things too. I hadn’t done much of them before, but I enjoyed the crap out of them.

Now, though, I don’t think changing those things would have saved our relationship. It might have ended sooner.

I hope that resonates with someone listening. I used to imagine telling her eight years ago, “We’re done with the gambling and drinking. We’re going to cut back on the cruises and only go to Vegas once or twice a year at most.” Maybe that would have helped. I can’t know for sure.

But she had been doing those things long before we got together. If I’d set that boundary, I think there’s a good chance she would have left. Nobody can say for certain. Understanding that possibility has helped me let go of