"Bipolar I, Psychosis, and 30 Years of Marriage — One Woman's Story Every Partner Needs to Hear"

0:00 Listen, we can get off of this subject because it's really touchy, if that's OK with you, because number one, you're a wonderful human being. I so sorry for those type of things going on, but it does touch on a subject of that I wonder. I mean, my wife was incredibly beautiful. She was so funny and so vivacious and wonderful, but she anyway, I, I could have easily gotten over the emotional affair. No brainer. It was a non issue. It would have been a non issue, but she didn't do it. In fact, she doubled down on it after three months. I, I don't know whether I told you she went to a couple of friends of ours at the time, told him about the story without me being there and the friends told me later, Scott, you don't have anything to worry about. She's not having an affair, which was bullshit. Why didn't she talk to me?

0:54 She was just solidifying her position to show me to being stupid. So now touch on the love that a bipolar person bestows on their partner, that in my opinion, in my experience, I had never experienced it before, The true pure love that generates from bipolar people. Describe how that works with you. When, when you're with someone and you're bipolar, it's like, I mean, at least it is from my point of view that the feelings are so much deeper. The there's so much, I mean, you're your feelings, your pain. I don't know where, where it stems from or what you know, what made your bipolar worse.

1:49 But a lot of times when, when someone is bipolar, they will experience deeper emotions than your regular person would. The I mean, I would give, I would give my life for my husband in in a flat second. If he would ask me to take a gun to my mouth and do it, I would do it. I mean, I would do anything he asked me to do because that's how much I love him. And I expressed that to him every day. He knows exactly how I feel every day. He's so lucky. And if I have a bad day, if I'm not feeling well, like yesterday, I was actually, I was actually feeling a little suicidal yesterday. And we started talking about it.

2:38 And because I used to be suicidal every day, that was, that was me every day. That was my answer to everything. And I have not been suicidal since 2017, which is when I went back to school. And I tell him every day how much I love him and how good looking he is. And it's, but it's deeper than that. It's much deeper than that. It's, it's not a look that just an everyday person can give you. It's it's from your very soul. It's. I experienced it. That was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. And I only experienced that at the very beginning, 10 years ago and right at the end.

3:19 But I'm telling you, I know what you say because I it was like her soul was coming through to me. Yes, but she never said I look good. She never complimented me. She never did all the things that you do with your husband every day. She did not do that because I understand and correct me if I'm wrong here, Sherry, she didn't want me to be in an independent state where I might leave. Probably. Because I mean, for instance, one time she told me, Scott, you're not taking care of yourself. I mean, she was being shitty, whatever. But OK, I was fat. I gained 30 or 40 lbs and I looked at her. I said, you know what, you're right. So I started going to the gym she goes to and I was busting my butt at the gym and really working hard. She just criticized me, that's all she did. Then later on when I shoulder my biceps that were really big and I'd worked really hard on, she would feel them that I'd make a a muscle and she would, well, I don't feel any difference. I don't feel any difference in giggle, giggle, giggle. All of those things were to degrade me so that I was still low self esteem so I wouldn't leave her. Correct me if I'm wrong, no.

4:35 You're right. So you telling your husband that every day he's good looking, he's this, he's that, and I love you and all these things. That's why you're still together. That's a huge feather in your cap. I just, you know, I know that I'm not anyway much into depression. I can't understand that. I just never had it that deep. But I'm telling you, Sherry, that's such positive things for you. Oh my thank. You so much. It's the truth. What one of the questions you asked me is there shame or grief that comes with piercing it back together? And I want you to know that yes, I feel constant shame, grief, and guilt when it comes to piercing my life back together.

5:21 Sometimes I wonder what I could do to make my husband's life better or how I can benefit him the most. I know now that all I can do is stay aggressive in my care and take my medication every day. And there are some days that I can feel depression creeping back in. I don't let it. I just, I let him know what's going on and he stays there by my side every minute, every second of my agony. That's wonderful. He's just my rock. I mean, I cannot. My son's the same way. My, my, I think my daughter-in-law has bipolar or some sort of issues and my son is the same way. He's just like his daddy.

6:01 He stands right beside her and never wavers. I'm very lucky. I'm very lucky. Are there any other questions on those questions I gave you that you feel like you'd like to answer? One of your questions was after 30 plus years what has your husband gotten right that you want other caregivers to hear? One thing is have a lot of patience, a lot of patience. Have non negotiables that are being like no drugs or alcohol and never ever ever give up on your partner even when they ask you to. Yes.

6:42 And you also asked me what kept him and and you in the marriage through the hardest episodes. And I would say that's the good times. While I understand that no one no one bipolar individual is the same, I can honestly say that our good times greatly outweigh the bad. And I have met many people where the bad outweigh the good. And I wouldn't expect anyone in those circumstances to stay. But it's all dependent on your story. And you very valid point because it when you say wait, I like the way that you say that because it's not necessarily time, it's weight, it's weight of the good times and it's weight of the bad times. You follow me just because 80% of the time you're getting along just fine and everything is copacetic. That doesn't outweigh in my experience, all the horrible negative stuff.

7:32 Now had my wife done what you've been doing, Sherry, which is hey honey, you look great today. Oh, this is awesome. You've done really well. I encourage you everyday I love you. Everyday I am upholding you or whatever. That would have been very different and the ability to say you're sorry or want to work things out, but mine didn't have that ability and I stuck around for 10 years. But the way what you're saying is exactly correct, of course. I mean, look, at the end of the day, we're all human and us partners here want to try to be the best supportive partner that we can be.

8:14 So I'm hearing you say when they say get out, get out, get out, which I heard, I can't tell you how many times, even in the wheelchair screaming and yelling at me in the living room to get out of the house. Now they're not really, they're not really saying that. They're just crying out. Is that right? That's right. And one thing that caregivers need to understand that they what do you want? What do we want caregivers to understand that they almost never do is if a bipolar ask bipolar partner asks you to participate in doctor's visits or help with their medication, by all means, please do. They might not feel safe handling their medications or they might not trust themselves to keep up with it with it at that particular time. It won't be forever and they might really need help at that time.

9:03 So just you need to listen is the big part. Yeah. And mine never asked me to be involved the first couple of years, yes, but after that she didn't want me involved. So this is just two perspectives here. Mine was a bad, bad case scenario and yours is a good one on how to take care of the the people that we love the most. And the the depth of love that can come from a bipolar person is much more in my opinion, than anybody else because. That's a study. That's a study in itself, you know. Yeah, I need to. I need to jump on that one.

9:45 Because we feel it. I mean, OK, I'll give you the scenario. I'm in my wheelchair at the house. Two or three weeks before I left. She's at kneeling before me, cleaning out my urinal, my freaking urinal, looking up at me, describing how she's doing it with the most loving, affectionate eyes. I've never, I'll never forget that. It was amazing. But that was, you know, as we both know, that was a layer that was covered up by 20 other layers and it's anyway, it is what it is. Listen, in closing, what would you like to tell everybody out there?

10:32 If I could hand every partner of someone with bipolar one a piece of wisdom, I would ask them to Please remember to take care of yourself while the bipolar partner is suffering, you will be too. Always keep check on your needs as well as your partners. And lastly, lastly, try to know that none of this is your fault nor is it about you. Just support them in any way you can. But especially try to stay no matter what. There are good times ahead. Sherry, you're amazing. Thank you so much. It's been such a pleasure. Hold on just a second.