Bipolar Discard: The Unexpected Ways It Changes You as a Partner and Caregiver"

0:00 Hello everybody. Today I'm going to talk about something that's really encouraging and I've noticed it in myself. As many of you know, I was in a 10 year relationship with a bipolar one wife with psychosis that I love very much and I still do. I'm about 10 months out from the discard right now and I just wanted to talk to you about if you're still in the relationship of struggling or dealing with the grief of separation. You'll eventually and in the future I think understand that your daily fight along your with your bipolar partner has profoundly changed you. I know in your mind you're going no kidding dude. However, I want you to see something because it's actually positive how it's changed you.

0:55 You, or at least I, and I don't know if you can resonate with this, manage to love, support, and care for somebody fundamentally dysfunctional. You need to understand that. I know when you're in the middle of it you don't. But understand that someone that you're loving is caring. A void that no one and nothing in the world could ever fill due to their mental illness. Not because they want it, They certainly don't, and not because you want it. It's heartbreaking, I know. If you're listening to me. And with a bipolar partner, you desperately want to fix it.

1:36 You want to take care of it. You want to make it better. I'm sorry, I don't know how to tell you to do that because after all these long sessions, I don't see how it can be they're going it. It's, it's a horrible disease. It's detrimental to them and to us. But you can't fix it. You cannot love your way out of it. It doesn't work that way as I see it. And maybe you know or don't know, this is a progressive disease, even if they're medicated, if they're unmedicated, forget it. I don't know. But what you might not yet see is all the abuse that you endured.

2:20 I know after I left I couldn't imagine all the stuff I went through that I started remembering what was going on and the the valuation of shitty comments, the not being nice to me. I mean, working out at the gym and her telling me that circuit training she doesn't understand and then somehow validating the gym manager saying it didn't make any sense either with circuit training is one of the hardest you could do in the gym anyway. It's irrelevant. What I'm what I want you to understand, or at least I understood, is that you're somehow we're nurturing A superpower.

3:05 Now I know that may not may not make sense, but the superpower is your patience. If you look back or in the middle of it right now, you've got a lot more patience and understanding and empathy than you did before. I've known people that have been through this too, and they say the same thing. The partners like us, how their understanding, patience, and emotional maturity have really flourished since they've left. I hear this a lot. So I just want you to understand something. There is a positive to this mess. I hope that you have the ability to either not let it affect you, but if it is affecting you, if it is affecting you negatively, you seriously need to think about leaving because it doesn't get better. You can't make them love harder.

3:59 There's tons of stories out there where guys and girls are married 20-30 years, they have all the money in the world, everything's freaking perfect and boom. So be aware of that. All I can tell you is I love and I still love her with all my heart. However, is it slowly draining your potential? Are you slowly? I think somebody talked about are you watering a lawn? That's always going to be noncommittal and not able to give back what you put in. They won't be able to do it. I realize now that my patience and empathy for other people is 10 times more than it was before. Because when you're with a bipolar person you got to learn to keep your mouth shut.

4:49 Sorry. If they're into manic or hypomanic, you don't want to criticize them. Oh my God the world of shit will come down on top of you. So I don't know, understand something that there is a positive to this. All right. The positive is that you're learning as a person, patience and empathy, more empathy, understand something too. The more you stay in this, If it's a negative experience for you, it's not going to get better. Some people, granted I have read some people that said, oh, they finally got their drugs figured figured out and they're great.

5:31 They've been gone to it or they're together another two or three years since they came back and everything's copacetic. Awesome. Positive stories are always good. I cut in now. Granted all of these different forms and everything else, it's always people wanting to talk negative before the positive because the positive people don't talk about it that much. True statement. But if you're in a negative situation and they won't take their meds or don't do the things they should, understand where it's going. But I can guarantee you, you're much more patient and empathetic and sweet because you've been through this, because you understand how difficult it is on them.

6:13 But don't sell yourself short. I sold myself short. I certainly did. I didn't see my wealth, self worth. In fact, when I met her, I was doing great. By the time it was over, I was destroyed. I'm sorry. I just emotionally destroyed, mentally destroyed, exhausted, which I hear a lot. They're just completely exhausted. Even though it might be going well for right now. You're waiting for the next shoe to drop or something to happen. And then the blistering attack on you all the while outside the public, they're the perfect partner. That is so difficult.

6:55 And the fact that you can't talk to anybody, it's just nuts. You can't talk to anybody about it. And I'll tell you this right now, this is the first time I've said this, but you know, if somebody wanted to talk to me about what's going on with them, I'm more than glad to talk to him on the phone. Just contact me or write a comment and I'll contact you, whatever. But I'd love to talk to you about your experience, what's going on. I'm not a psychotherapist, I'm not a doctor. I don't know shit from anything other than I know something about bipolar and the relationships. I lived it for 10 years starting with mania and ending with mania.

7:36 So please feel free to do that and be more than glad to talk to you. But understand something. You're a good person for sticking around. You're a great person for doing it. It's changed you and a lot of ways for the better and some of the negative ways. Obviously you don't want to trust anybody. That's the sad part of it. But if you'll do the work, if you'll talk it out, if you'll go to a therapist or if you can't go to a therapist, you know, talk to me or talk to other people about it that know the experience and they can help you through it. I'll be more than glad to do it. But again, I'm not a doctor, I'm not a therapist, I'm not qualified other than 10 years and hundreds and hundreds of hours of educating myself on this stuff to know what's realistic and what's not.

8:23 I wish you the best, God bless you. And if you know of somebody that might be able to use this podcast to help them, please let them know you take care. Bye.