Bipolar Codependency: Why We Can't Leave — The Self-Esteem Death Trap

Hello, everyone. Once again, I’m not a therapist or a psychiatrist. But something hit me that I think I should talk about: the codependency side of this.

After ten years with my wife, who has bipolar I disorder, I had almost no self-esteem left. I was codependent as hell. I wasn’t that way when we first got together. Over time, though, I lost myself in the relationship.

If you’ve followed my podcast, you know I became paralyzed from the waist down. Around that time, she went into a severe manic episode. I was desperate to leave, but I had no confidence in myself, and I was completely dependent on her. That dependence didn’t begin when I became paralyzed. It had been building for years.

I’ve heard people compare that kind of change to a frog in water that slowly gets hotter. You may not recognize what’s happening until you’re deep in it. So please listen to your heart, and listen to your gut.

I stayed partly because I felt responsible for her. I thought I could save her. But she was an adult, and I couldn’t do that work for her. I had to face what staying was doing to me. The highs and lows had become something I lived for, even while they were hurting me.

In the last six months we were together, I spent much of my day waiting for her to come home. Seeing her gave me a lift, but my life had narrowed around that moment. I had lost so much of myself.

To heal, I’ve had to take responsibility for my own choices. That doesn’t erase what happened in the relationship, and it doesn’t mean leaving was easy. I felt guilty. I hoped things would improve. For years, I didn’t think I could afford to leave. When I finally did, it was financially devastating.

I’m speaking to myself as much as anyone else here. I wish I had recognized sooner how much I was hurting. I’ve been gone for a year and three months now, and I’m doing a whole lot better, but getting here has been hell.

What scares me is the thought of ending up in the same situation again. I want to respect myself and pay attention to warning signs. At the same time, I don’t want to be so afraid that I run at the first sign of any problem. I wish that balance were easy to find.

I know I sound worked up in this episode, but this matters deeply to me. I’m still trying to understand my part in what happened and make different choices going forward.

I appreciate everyone’s support. I think the podcast has reached 28 countries now. I hope these conversations help somebody, because talking about them has helped me tremendously. I encourage you to talk about what you’re going through, too. Find someone you can talk to and get it out of your system.

And I’ll leave you with this: take care of yourself. Pay attention when a relationship is costing you your sense of who you are. You deserve the chance to heal.

Love you guys. Bye.